DEFORMED, DEFAMED, DEFILED: Russ Cugno's nondisappointment is almost palpable when he talks about fruitcake defamation being on the rise again. This comes a year after he and his outfit, FALL Fruitcake Anti- Defamation League Ltd. is what it's meant to be called, though its logo reads "Fruitcake Anti-Deformation League Ltd.' declared victory over fruitcake-bashers.

Turns out there was no victory. Fruitcake defamers still abound, a fact that gives Cugno and his organization reason to live and thrive.

For six years now, Cugno has been waging the anti-anti-fruitcake battle from his shop the terribly delicious Land of Fruits and Nuts (LOFAN), with its array of horribly anti- slimming California Shakes milkshakes, on the Queen Mary's Promenade Deck.

Does he have a vested interest in somehow, against all odds and reason, giving fruitcake a winning, fabulous reputation? Yes. For one thing, he sells fruitcakes, which he insists are delicious and they might be, but who's going to take a chance on sampling them? OK, let's say you are. You can buy fruitcake in its original formula a 2-pound cake (what, is it the size of a dime?), or the jazzier amaretto or pineapple- macadamia versions. Each is $29.95.

For another, Cugno has just introduced a Fruitcake Shake. Most things taste better in a milkshake version, and the Fruitcake Shake sounds almost do-able: Its ingredients are French vanilla ice cream, sun- dried honey dipped pineapple, pecans and almonds, caramel and cinnamon syrups, all topped with whipped cream and cinnamon.

"It's Santa's favorite!' says Cugno.

"No, it isn't,' we reply.

"OK,' he relents. "But it's good. I invented it to show people there's more to fruitcake than the bad taste it leaves you.'

It sounds to us like its a gateway concoction. Something to introduce kids and other innocents to fruitcake in a palatable way, luring them to the real thing, the doorstop of the food kingdom.

At any rate, Cugno's FALL is back in operation, as he cites multiple assaults by "the media elite and all those wise guys on Madison Avenue' on whatever good name fruitcake has remaining.

The Land of Fruits and Nuts is open every day from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. You can order fruitcake and other stuff (though not milkshakes) at www.lofan.com

MORE SHAKIN': The price, incidentally, for the Land of Fruits and Nuts' Fruitcake Shake is $5.95, which seems like a lot for a milkshake, but it's not.

Says owner Russ Cugno: "I had a 9-year-old customer in here who said it best. He said, 'If it costs that much, it must be worth it."

Cugno's shakes start at $3.95 and go all the way up to $6.95, for the Chocolate Death. "We beg people not to buy it,' says Cugno. The shake is made with double-chocolate chocolate ice-cream, double-chocolate chocolate chips, double-chocolate chocolate syrup and is blended with chocolate milk.

"It comes out like pudding,' says Cugno.

"After people buy one, they come back in a few minutes and ask for water.'

Fruitcake outlasts its enemies
By Tim Grobaty
Staff columnist / FALL supporter

UNDEFEATABLE EDIBLE: Nobody doesn't love fruitcake anymore.

This is the sort of revelation that can knock you right off your Damascus-bound burro, especially if you've always just sort of assumed you hated fruitcake but hadn't really put your mouth where your mouth is, if you catch our drift.

But fruitcake isn't universally loathed at all anymore, if it's even loathed at all.

"The war is over,' declares Long Beacher Russ Cugno, who for four years has fought a pitched battle with fruitcake-bashers through his Fruitcake Antidefamation League Ltd. (FALL), which is financed by his Land of Fruits & Nuts business aboard the Queen Mary.

"Fruitcake-bashing is down 69 percent over the last four years,' crows Cugno. "And there have been no disparaging words on the radio or in print so far this year.'

Cugno hasn't been fighting a one- man battle against anti-fruitcakers. A Web search turned up a Society for the Protection and Preservation of Fruitcake (an odd name given the fairly widely accepted opinion that fruitcake requires no preservation; Charles Dickens declared fruitcake to be "a geological homemade cake'), and the Lansdale, Pa., ad firm (anonymous) Productions has thrown its talents into launching spoofy ad promotions behind fruitcake, borrowing from the successes of Foster's Ale, Absolut Vodka, Nike and the Got Milk? campaigns.

Advocacy groups aside, though, Cugno says the real reason behind fruitcake's renaissance (if, in fact, we can agree that there is a fruitcake renaissance) is the fact that it's just made better, with ingredients way beyond the mysterious red and green cubes in terms of quality.

"They're making fruitcake with things like apricots, blueberries, Georgia pecans, papaya, German chocolate. It's definitely gaining in popularity and respectability.'

If you think this is all a pitch for Cugno's own brand of fruitcake, you're too cynical. He doesn't make a fruitcake. "We do carry a Georgia fruitcake, but the real reason for FALL is because I'm in the fruits and nuts business and I noticed so many people making fun of fruitcake, which has both fruits and nuts in it.'

After much prodding, we did get Cugno to admit that he sells a variety of givable edibles, including an array of fruit baskets and his own line, on the Early California label, of fruits, nuts, taffy and other products. You can visit the Land of Fruits & Nuts aboard the Queen Mary, or check out selected products on the Web at www.lofan.com.